Falling Apart & Being Amazing Like Tacos

I’ve just read, for the 147th time, this meme, “If tacos can fall apart and still be amazing so can you.” This is what inspired me to hop on here. These last 2 years have been a series of falling apart and putting myself back together. I have been slowly mending my devasted heart and navigating this new world that my Dad is no longer physically in. I’ve been feeling…different – less heavy, like I can breathe more deeply again. Then I mysteriously injured my arm and elbow so badly last week, I had to take 2 days off from work and couldn’t even wash my own armpit or do much of anything really, other than cry and feel sorry for myself. Intiate the ultimate pity party. *le sigh* I’m all better now if you’re wondering…maybe that’s obvious since I’ve typed this out. Where the eff is the consistency in life?! Oh right, that only exists in Fairytale Land, not on Planet Earth. Silly me. I still have a bone to pick with the Universe. 😉

It was something a friend said to me in reference to their own life that just clicked. It flipped a switch. Grief is rollercoaster and something that doesn’t ever go away. We find a way to move through life carrying it. But I realized how easily it could swallow me up, if I let it. And it was starting to until I made a conscious effort to pull myself out of it. I started slowly with not staying in bed as long, doing one chore on a given day, taking an extra long shower – baby steps. It helped me feel my life force again. It made me proud to do what felt like impossible tasks. It reminded me that I can do hard things. It made me feel like I had a purpose that day.

The switch that flipped was that I realized that no amount of ruminating, thinking & focusing on all the horrible things that happened or using all of my spirtual and self-care tools was going to bring him back – bring the one thing that will truly mend my heart. Letting my depression swallow me up was no longer working for me. That thinking, going within, reading the grief book and the articles, trying to therapize myself was not going to change anything at this point and it was no longer feeling like it was helping me in any way.

I have been doing this process for months and I needed to. I’ve also held a safe space for myself when every part of my being felt so raw and ripped apart. We need to wrap ourselves in a cocoon when traumatic events happen. But I have been sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. These 8 months have felt like time no longer exisits and I have been carrying the emotional pain of a hundred lifetimes. I know in my heart of hearts that I will grieve losing Dad and miss him immensely every single day for the rest of my time on this Earth. So since this will not change, I have been on a path of understanding how do I move through life with this with me and not let it destroy me. What has helped me is finding things that make me feel alive again and living my life. I know this is exactly what Dad would want too – he’d want me to feel all my big feelings and when I felt ready, to get back into the game of living. “Life is for the living.” To remember who he was before he got sick and the beautiful memories we made together. I try my best. Every damn day.

I had to surrender to the fact there will be this hole in my heart that will never be mended. Surrender to not being able to change that. Surrender to the deep sadness that I feel and let myself cry. Surrender to a life without my sidekick. Surrender to the circumstances around me that I have had no control over. It hurts like hell, a lot of the time. It’s never not there, whether in my immediate consciousness or running in the background. But in honour of my Dad, I will live, I will carry-on, I will fall apart and still be amazing.

Our ability to fall apart – from my perspective – is a reflection of how deeply we feel. That’s a beautiful thing to feel deeply in a world where it would be a fuck of a lot less painful to feel less, but it would then rob us of feeling the good stuff too. Falling apart is inevitable – it’s what happens when we’re paying attention & some times when we’re not. The only thing we need to ask ourselves in those moments/phases of our lives, is what do I need right now? How can I take care of myself right now? Oftentimes, my answers have been filled with screaming, crying, eating icecream in bed, sleeping. Oftentimes, I haven’t and still don’t know what I need. New territory here. Sometimes, it’s been telling the Universe to fuck right off. We don’t have to have the answers all the time. We certainly don’t need to be in the how do I fix myself/make this go away/silver lining bullshit either. Maybe it’s just simply that in this moment I’m going to fall apart like a taco and remember that I’m still awesome. That our worth/strength/courage is not defined by how well we try to hold ourselves together.

Surrender, dear ones. That word has been my mantra these days. Life is already hard enough as it is. I’ve spent enough time fighting against and pushing life to go in certain directions or trying to change what isn’t mine to change, only to be reminded over and over again that it doesn’t work like that. I’ve caused myself a lot of pain in the process. Ever try paddling upstream in a canoe? It’s shit. Exhausting. Makes you wonder if you’re ever going to stop going in damn circles. No more of that. I remind you of this as much as I needed the reminder.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you for sticking around and reading my long winded post of turning a funny meme about tacos into a reminder about life, love and loss. ❤

Biggest of love to you!

Excited To Be Excited!

I’m excited. And I felt it worthy of a blog post since I was getting long winded on my personal FB page. For the first time since Dad’s passing 7 months ago, I finally feel excitement for the future. Next month, my partner and I have some time off together. We have a Yurt booked for a few days, will be taking a trip back to the Farm, and I’ve booked a solo spa day that was gifted to me so generously by my amazing boss. Yay!

I’ve always tried to focus on and live in the present moment as much as possible. Since December, I haven’t really had a choice if I want to keep my head above the water. I certainly am not always successful – flash backs of the past were/are torture. Thinking about the future has felt daunting. Picturing a future without my Dad was and still is, in many ways, gutting. It has felt for many months, up until quite recently, that I was never going to get any respite from the dark hole I found myself in. It felt like my intense grief of losing Dad, this blanket that was weighing me down, was never going to let up. That I had to start accepting this as my new reality. Fuuuuuck.

So to keep my sanity, and find my way forward, I’ve had to stay really rooted in the here and now and remember that Dad would want me to take care of my heart but he’d also want me to LIVE – this keeps me moving forward every day. What do I need now? How am I feeling in this moment? These are some of the questions I ask myself. I will carry this grief and love in my soul for the rest of my days, but it’s different now. I don’t feel like the walking dead as often – yay, progress! I still very seldom make any plans much more than the day before or the same day, and how I spend my time is based on what I feel like doing and what is within my capacity. I’ve wrapped myself in a coccoon and only those things & people that nourish me are allowed in. This isn’t going to change.

For practical purposes, some things do need to be planned in advance. Like booking said Yurt. It feels so odd to me to say that it feels good to feel joy, to feel excited, when I look into the short term future. It feels like much longer than 7 months since I’ve felt that when looking to the future. Time is such a weird construct.

Like all of humanity, I have had more than my fair share of terrible things happen in my 37 years on this planet. My nervous system has taken a shit kicking in the last 2 years. It’s been a reverse shit sandwich – I got out of an abusive relationship, found my amazing partner and wonderful job, then my Dad died. It was like my life was finally coming together and I experienced (for the first time & consistently) a soul level of peace, profound love, and joy and then BOOM – the Universe had other fucking plans.

Thank the Universe that my partner is the phenomenal person he is; he’s been the light helping me find my way out of this dark place. Formerly hyper-independant Stephanie is no longer afraid to admit that I need help some times. Being able to say that thinking of our plans next month sparks joy; such a ‘small’ & perhaps overlooked human experience. To be able to feel – what a gift that is to be able to write this right now. To feel the highest of highs and the lowest of lows, being human is a wild ride. I say a gift because feeling numb is scary – I have been there – to feel something, even if it is despair reminds me that I am still alive. Nothingness feels like endedness. Excitement, joy – that’s medicine to my soul. So here’s to sparking joy and excitement in this now moment and when planning our future adventures.

Because all of these things make me happy. ❤️

A Huge Pat On My Back From Me

I’m extra damn proud of myself this week. I want you to share how you are proud of yourself this week, today, in this moment – doesn’t matter the timeline – I want to hear it! 🙂 That humble train has passed and I’m here for all the tooting of our own horns. *beep, beep*

It’s only Wednesday and I’ve accomplished so many practical tasks (deep cleaning, filing my taxes – late I’m aware etc.). This is likely the most I’ve accomplished off my to do list since the few weeks after Dad’s passing and there was 4 million things to do. For any of you who have been in a dark hole, you know how hard it is to complete every day “basic” tasks, let alone have the capacity to do anything “extra.” This is the first time in months, I’ve had the desire and energy to get some shit done. And this feels SO good. I still feel like shit at varying times of the day, but I am slowly starting to feel less like the dead walking.

I definitely had to play some mental gymnastics with myself when my thoughts were telling me to put it off for another day or later on. I put a stop to my thoughts because I knew intuitively I would feel better once I got shit done. I’ve also signed up for a glorious restorative yoga class for tomorrow evening that I’m excited for and will not be bailing on. I’m proud of myself for committing to myself and doing something I know is going to make me feel so good.

I suppose why I am sharing this is let y’all know I think we need to celebrate our wins, celebrate ourselves. It’s easy to celebrate our birthdays, promotions, reaching a particular long term goal…but what about the quieter wins – the ones not many or no one sees? Like getting out of bed, brushing your teeth and having a shower, deep cleaning our home, eating a good meal, getting some shit done off our to do list etc. All of these wins are valid; we just don’t talk about the latter as often. But I think we should. This week I haven’t accomplished some amazing feat in the eyes of many, or especially in those who don’t know my grief story, but to me, I’ve accomplished so much and I’m really damn proud of me. To have had moments of me, of Steph, reappear when my light feels like it’s been out for SO long…my friends, this is worth celebrating.

So pat yourself on your back for your accomplishments this week – wherever in your heart you may be. Toot. your. mother. fuckin’. horn.

Nothing but love to you. Thank you for coming along with me in this journey of life. ❤

Making Space For Multiple Truths

I started to share this on my personal Facebook page, but since I am getting long winded, I thought it would be better suited to make a blog post.

There is so much grief in the world aside from my own. Many folks I spoken to recently have lost a loved one, know someone who is not well, or having an overall shit time. My heart aches for us all. In the darkness, I wanted to take some time to express my gratitude and acknowledge some good things. I also want to normalize that there is space for more than one truth. That we can experience what feels like contradictory emotions. That we can feel utterly devastated and still find some light in our days (when we’re ready). When grieving, this has to come in our own time. When grief hits, and it’s very raw, it’s not the time to try and find the goodness. It’s really important to be present with ourselves in the very real emotions we are feeling. This is no time for toxic positivity.

I struggle every day with utter exhaustion, anxiety, brain fog, confusion, inability to focus and recall things, sensitivity to loud sounds/environments; my physical body is processing my dad’s death in a very real and tangible way. My body and mind are doing weird things. This feels very foreign and uncomfortable to me. It’s only been 4 months; it feels like it happened yesterday, yet I am so tired it feels like I’ve been carrying all of this for lifetimes. I want it all to stop, AND I am doing my best in this now moment to take care of myself and accept that this is part of my process. I get out of bed every day and go to work. I make time for self-care. I’m damn proud of me for showing up for myself and my loved ones.
I’m so grateful for my partner and all that he is. I feel so incredibly loved, supported, seen and taken care of. AND I feel guilt from time to time for dragging my ass every day and being in bed most evenings, some times as early as 6:30 p.m. He quickly reminds me how proud of me he is and reminds me to just be. Some days, I am good at reminding myself of this too.
I was pissed off and grieved the loss of friendships of those that have forgotten about me AND I very much appreciate all the love & support that is given to me by others.
I have an immeasurable hole in my heart and soul that will never be filled, that makes me feel like I am walking between worlds AND I am so incredibly grateful for the beautiful bond and love my dad and I shared, and will continue to share.

I could go on, but if your brain is anything like mine, I can’t focus on much for very long periods, so I will get to the point. My hope is that when you read this, whatever you’re experiencing, that my words remind you that life is never black and white, all or nothing, that there is always space for more than one truth. And that one truth doesn’t negate the other. One truth is not more important than the other. It’s all valid. That life is more about this AND that, instead of this OR that. That it’s totally “normal” to feel what seems like contradictory emotions. You are allowed to be pissed off and grateful, sad and joyful, and empty and fulfilled. And all of these at the same time. I have a beautiful life outside of losing my dad, AND I’m having a really hard time. And if all we do today is breathe, let that be enough.