The Day My World Stopped

December 3, 2022. The worst day of my life. I lost my very best friend, my mentor, my spiritual side kick, my rock, my amazing father. I am completely shattered by his passing. We had a bond like no other. We talked often how we decided to incarnate together to walk this life side by side. Dad got very sick, completely unexpectedly and passed very quickly. I got to spend 2 precious weeks with him, with many beautiful moments that I will cherish forever. I was right by his side when he crossed over. There never truly is enough time with those we love, but this has happened far too soon. I thought we’d be on this journey together for another 20 years, and dad did too. He was full of life and had so much to give. None of this makes any sense to me and it never will.

There are no words to truly convey accurately how I am feeling – shock, devastation, numb, completely gutted, and so incredibly sad. There is a hole in my heart that will never be filled. The best parts of me I got from him. Anyone who knew Dad knew what a special, beautiful soul he was. He was very intelligent, wise, generous, patient, giving, loving, funny – brought nothing but light to those who crossed paths with him. He wanted nothing more to be the change he wanted to see in the world, and he certainly was.

Despite my spiritual beliefs of life after death – that our souls carry on – that energy never truly dies, it just changes form – this has offered me very little peace. He’s everywhere around me and nowhere at the same time. I wake up every morning, forgetting he’s not with me – hoping when I walk out into his living room he will be sitting in his favorite spot on the couch and I’ll hear his voice saying, ‘good morning my darling’ or I’ll hear the sound of his work boots on the hardwood floors after working in the gardens – only to have the devastating reminder that I’ll never have those moments with him again.

The many years we had together were beautiful. I have so many memories that I will cherish for the rest of my days. I think of these moments often – our bonfires, skywatching, planting in his greenhouse, our hundreds of hours of conversations about life, our daily check ins. Dad, I miss you so very much and I can’t wait to see you and hug you. I hope the place we talked about where our souls came from and would return to is better than we ever imagined.

So dear ones, hug your loved ones tight, tell them you love them every chance you get. There was never a day that went by that Dad and I didn’t tell eachother we love eachother. I know the amount of grief I feel in my soul is a reflection of the love we shared. Thank you, Universe – thank you, Dad, for the beautiful gift of you. I will cherish you, honour your life and carry you in my heart and soul for the rest of my days.

I love you, kajillions, Daddio.

Until we meet again.

Your North Star,

Steph

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Hibernating – Forever?

Pretty flowers unrelated to my post – just because ☺️

As I lay in bed right now, I was about to post a bit of a PSA on my FB page about how I’m currently feeling. But I got a ping to post here instead – perhaps my words are meant to find a larger audience.

Admittedly, tonight I’ve been laying in bed relaxing since 7:30 p.m. This has become my new normal as of late. As someone who is an empath, and sensitive to energies, I am finding being out in the world more difficult than usual these days. I came across a quote yesterday – I’m paraphrasing here – that says, perhaps there isn’t anything wrong with you, maybe it’s just really difficult to be part of a system that is not designed to support a spirit like yours. It feels as though I’m walking around with a heavy, invisible blanket that I didn’t put there. Like I’ve been born into a world I don’t belong. I wouldn’t have it any other way. But it’s really challenging at times.

I’ve been on my spiritual/awakening/whatever you want to call it journey for almost 2 decades. To be completely honest, my soul is TIRED. I’m tired of holding the line…the light for humanity. My soul just craves a world that I no longer have to be resilient for. I want peace, kindness, and abundance to be the dominating energy and forces at play. That’s what my heart and soul craves – a world that feels like a giant, fluffy cloud I can fall into. I will keep doing the work. But I’m tired and would love to tell the vast majority of humanity to get their shit together, hah! I’m also really in love with my life. So I’ve come to the interesting place of allowing space for more than one truth. That I can be simultaneously exhausted and frustrated by this reality and really happy at the same time. That I never want to leave my home, but at the same time make space for the people and spaces that fill me up. That I adore my job and it’s one of the best things to come into my life, while acknowledging it is mentally draining some times. Understanding that I’m not mad, I’m just often overstimulated. That I can go lay in bed at 7:30 p.m. in my Oodie, even though I think it’s “too early.” One truth does not cancel out the other. Life is so much in the grey area – I can’t subscribe to an all or nothing mentality.

A lot of extra kindness and grace has been given to myself as I take extra good care, until this too shall pass. I’m not interested in over-spirtualizing how I’m feeling or processing all of the reasons why I feel this way. I simply radically accept how I’m feeling – and do whatever it is that I feel led to do that feels self loving. Some times that is yelling FUUUUCK in the car with music blasting (very therapeutic, highly recommend), other times it’s a hot bath and going to bed early.

I wanted to share this with you tonight, as many of us sensitives I’ve spoken with lately are also feeling this way, and just reading that someone else is also feeling similarily can be comforting in really trying times. A little soul medicine knowing we’re not alone. One thing we know for sure is that change is a constant, and this year+ long hibernation period will pass when I’m ready, or perhaps this is my “new normal” and that’s okay too. One thing that will remain the same; I am very particular on what, where and whom I spend my energy with. I’m hyper-aware of this now. I go to the people and the places that fill me up. So my dear ones, go to the love, to where you’re celebrated, find the fuck yes energy and what excites you or soothes you – that is what living means to me. Even if it is, fuck yes I’m crawling into bed at 7:30 p.m. 🙂

Big love as always,

S.

A love letter to an over-giver…

By Tahlia Hunter

I came across these words last night & felt called to share them with all of you. This hit a core memory of a not too distant version of myself. For all my fellow big-hearted folks out there, this is for you. ❤️

📸 cred: my friend John M

“There is more to you
Than what you are capable of giving others
And providing for them

There is more to you
Than what you are willing to sacrifice for others
And give up in your own life in order to make them happy

And there is more to you
Than what you do for others and the world.

You are not everyone’s healer
You are not everyone’s parent or guardian
You are not everyone’s saviour
And giving is not your only purpose in life.

Sometimes when we feel unloved by others around us
We settle for being needed

We overextend ourselves
And overgive
So that in return
They will like us

And we attempt to please them
At the expense of pleasing ourselves

Failing to realise
That by people-pleasing
We are attempting to manipulate others into liking us
And when we continually say “yes” when we secretly mean “no”
We can be left feeling resentful
While when we are authentic
And kindly let others know through active communication what our true beliefs, desires and intentions are
And are honest and upfront about our boundaries
This is much better for both them and ourselves
In the long-term.

When it comes to others
Making large demands and requests of you
Always remember
That just as you are capable
Others are capable.

Others are capable of taking action in their own lives
Others are capable of deciding for themselves what is best for them
And others are capable of relying on themselves or seeking help from someone else rather than you.

And so you may give them the space and freedom
To be able to effectively show up for themselves
And allow them to empower themselves

And instead, choose to give
From a place of love and kindness
When you feel you want to
And donate your time, possessions and energy to others
From a place of abundance and generosity
Rather than simply out of obligation

As others are not entitled to your help
Others are not entitled to your energy or resources
And others are not entitled to your time and attention

And just as we set boundaries with others
We must also set them with ourselves
And ensure that we are respecting our own time and energy
Just as much as the time and energy of others.

Get my free eBooks and others at this link: https://www.tahliahunter.com/online-store “

Real Talk

My light. My dark. Me. I didn’t know when I would feel called to write this post. I suppose it was this photo I took yesterday that I drew inspiration from.

It is such a dark time for humanity. But in my heart of hearts, I feel that we were on a collision course that was not going to end well if we didn’t wake up and start making some changes. Much of what is playing out in society is requiring us to re-evaluate how we want our lives to feel and what systems we need to create in order for that to happen.

I have come to the realization that the outside world can fall apart but our inside world doesn’t have to. That as much as we are interconnected, we have a profound control over our reality. Right here, right now. I have found myself having to go back to the basics – the power of this very moment and what can I do, within my power, to make it the best. Asking myself what is within my power to change and going in that direction. What a massive difference this has made in my personal life. I feel empowered. And the Universe has reflected back to me all of my hard work on doing the inner work.

These last 5 years have been a wild ride. For brevity sake, I am not going to go into all the personal details – maybe I will save them for a book one day. 😉 But I left an 8 year relationship, moved apartments, changed roles in my job twice, let go of family members and friends whom we were no longer in alignment, had health issues, kicked ass in the gym and lost 20 pounds, started smoking cigarettes again, lost my 6 year job because of Covid, got involved in an abusive relationship, battled depression/anxiety/insomnia/stress eczema/overactive bladder, couldn’t work for over a year because my mental health was shit – not to mention trying to find a job in this pandemic was brutal, got out of the relationship, did the inner work and recalibrated my nervous system, quit smoking/vaping and drinking, reconnected with Mother Earth, got an amazing job, found myself again and a conscious partner/soul mate.

Throughout all this, I’ve loved a lot. Laughed a lot. Felt a lot – every possible human emotion. Met new and like-minded people. Tried new things and learned new things. Forgave – myself and others. Forgot who I was, and then found her again. I regret nothing. It’s been really great and really awful. I hold no hatred in my heart for anyone or any experience. Because each moment brought me to this now moment. I thank those of whom, whose paths we no longer walk together and thank those who are still here by my side, loving me as I am. Even the bullshit, brought me to another level of understanding myself, that I would not have had otherwise.

I am authentically happy…in all areas of my life, consistently, for the first time in 35 years. Everything I have asked the Universe for, it has delivered. And I’m not talking about material stuff. I don’t give a shit about the stuff at the end of the day. But I am still working on manifesting my tiny home for the future. 😉 I’m talking about the people I’ve wanted to connect with, the conversations I love to have, and most importantly, the feelings I’ve longed to feel – consistently and deeply. I’ve not known, for most of my life, what I’ve wanted my life to look like. But it’s been so very clear how I’ve wanted it to feel – easy, peaceful, safe, loving, real and raw, supported, reciprocal. When I made space for what I wanted, these things came. And rather quickly in a synchronistic way.

My point is that the world can go to hell in a hand basket, but your personal life doesn’t have to. I’m still human, with human emotions – I am not absolved of the human experience. But I can say with certainty that once each of us starts cleaning out the cobwebs of our lives and deals with our dark, our light can shine. The life we want is just on the other side of the shadows.

I have so much love for humanity. I love you big. Let’s not forget our humanity, to be kind to ourselves and eachother, as we find our way out of the dark. I can promise you this – I didn’t find my way out of the dark alone. I got here because of the people who gently held my hand, as I navigated my way through finding Home again.

*Deep belly breath*

Feel that? Find as many ways, as often as you can in your day, to pause and breathe. Some times that’s all we have the capacity for, and that’s ok. We have to start somewhere. And some times that is from the bottom up.

Love and gratitude for being here,

Steph