Spring time always gets me in the mood to cleanse – whether it is organizing around the house and donating/throwing out what is no longer being used, or cleansing my mind, body and spirit by re-evaluating what is working and what needs to go. I hibernate in the winter, as I am fuelled by the summer time warmth and sunshine, so when Spring rolls around I get so excited by Mother Nature coming to life again!
This Spring I have decided to give my fitness and wellness plan a much needed update and improvement. I’ve known for the last while I needed to change things up if I wanted to get to my goal sooner. I’ve been getting impatient. I’ve been craving weight-lifting. This was reinforced with an appointment I had at my doctor’s. The assistant asked me to step on the scale. So feeling good about my progress, I stepped on the scale for the first time in years. This is a whole other topic, but I don’t like scales for this reason:
I have always gauged my progress by the way my clothes feel and measurements. HOWEVER, and this is a big however, I was in shock and disbelief with the number on that scale. My out loud response was, “Oh my god, do shoes and clothes weight very much?!” The reality is I weight more now than ever, despite all of these great things: the fact that I have fully committed myself to consistently adopting a healthy lifestyle, never felt this good in my body, have lost weight and gained muscle, flexibility and strength, since I started last January. WTF! ran through my mind more times than I could count because I don’t think I look like that number on the scale. And I was admittedly on the brink of tears for a few hours after my appointment, but I was at work and needed to keep it together. I wanted to ball my eyes out. It felt like all my best efforts during these last 17 months were a waste. That I was a failure, and a hypocrite. And so far away from where I wanted to be. This really hung a job on me…
Did I stay in that dark place for long? Oh hell no! I got home that evening and had a really honest conversation with myself. I looked at the facts. Everything from my blood pressure, to my ECG and blood work results, to what I eat, how often I exercise, how I feel etc. etc told me I am very healthy. The reality is a very healthy 5’5″, (almost) 30 year old woman does not weigh 199 pounds, no matter what way you cut it. There’s a part of me screaming inside because I just shared that number with you…the whole of the internet.Oh.my.god. $#%&! *deep breath* The number doesn’t matter as much to me as being honest and fearless about where I am at. No more shame.
I was shown quite literally that I needed an overhaul. I needed change. I needed to lose weight. But I wasn’t going to nor will I let that number on the scale beat me down.Or define me. Or take away from all the other amazing accomplishments I’ve made this year. I am using it as inspiration. And it has put a fire under my ass like you wouldn’t believe! I refuse to continue to live my life where I feel like my insides never quite match my outside. Where I’m always this close to being the version of myself I want to be. F*ck that!
Here we are just over a week into this new chapter in this part of my life. So far, so good! Why? Because I refuse to let it be anything else. If you want me to bore you 🙂 with the details on what I’ve changed so far, let me know in the comments below and I’ll do another post on it. I’m proud of myself for using this situation as motivation to be the best version of myself. To love myself even more than I did the day before. This is a big deal for me. I have always struggled with body image issues and circumstances like this has often just made me feel awful about myself, killing my self esteem, bringing me down the road of self-judgement and criticism. Not this time! I’ve reminded myself I can still love my body even if I’m still working on it. I refuse to only love my body fully when I “get there.” I can’t fully love myself if I don’t love ALL parts of me. And I am going to remember that even though I’m not exactly where I want to be (yet), I still look pretty damn good!