Here’s some honesty for you all. I told myself I would not post personal entries and save them for my actual journal. But fuck it. 🙂 I’m not sharing my life story here; however, I am sharing part of my experience. I feel that there is something so liberating in being authentic and real. (and evidently, throwing in an occasional ‘F-Bomb’ ;)) My hope is when you read this, if it does resonate with you, you can take comfort in knowing you’re not alone on your road less traveled, even if we’ve never met in person…I, too, experience similar things as you.
I will admit that I am this type of person from time to time. There are times, because I have worked really hard over these last 5 years or so to get to the good place (mentally, emotionally, and spiritually) I am in and seldom experience any negativity, that when negative emotions rise – I don’t want to feel them…I don’t want to even go there. It doesn’t mean I won’t but it can be a bit of a struggle to fully give into what I’m feeling. I spend the majority, like 90%+ of the time, feeling pretty awesome about life and all things in it. So when these negative emotions pop up, they are quite aversive. Do any of you feel the same way?
I’ll then “overspiritualize” by working really hard to distract my mind to essentially avoid what’s making me feel like crap, or get frustrated because I’m frustrated (which obviously makes me feel worse). I also have a hard time when I don’t understand my emotions. When I know why I feel the way I feel, I can “deal” better. When I can’t come up with anything, it’s…uncomfortable, for lack of a better word. BUT. There is a but. And in my best singing voice…“And always look on the bright side of life…” (I realize my voice is worse than my problems, haha!) Okay, focus!
This video reminded me of what I have been reminding myself of for some time now and probably will for who knows how long. I know this is where my some of my “work” is and with time and practice, I’m getting better at living and being what I know in my heart. I am reminded it’s okay to not feel good 100% of the time, in fact, if this was the case – something definitely would be wrong. Part of being human is having emotions – the good and the bad. It’s, of course, natural for many of us to want to feel great all of the time; however, this is not possible or natural. We need to feel what we are feeling, fully and completely, in order to heal and move forward. This doesn’t mean everything that rubs us the wrong way and gets under our skin needs to be felt, analyzed and then moved on from. The superficial stuff can be let go of. I’m talking about the emotions that hit us home, the ones that make our hearts hurts, the times when we have a strong emotional response – these are the times where it’s really important to give ourselves permission to…well, be human.
We are spirit but we are humanly focused so we need to express that aspect of ourselves. It doesn’t make us any less spiritual and all of our hard work is not going to go to waste because we’ve allowed ourselves to have bad day. Getting to the next place within ourselves is found in our darker moments. Becoming the more improved version of the person we once were and are now destined to be, is found in the times when our hearts feel heavy.
I remind myself that some times things aren’t meant to be understood, they are meant to felt. Some times that feels incomplete, actually almost always it does, but I’d rather be happy than hit my head up against a brick wall incessantly, obsessing over needing to know the WHY. Some times, it is what it is, is what I make peace with. I have faith in the Universe that if I am meant to understand the ‘why’ then I will find the answers. Maybe the lesson is simply just acceptance of the raw emotion, making peace with the negativity and not some complicated, eye opening reason? What do you think?
In order to be authentic to who I am, I have to embrace all parts of me – my truth – and some times, it might hurt or be uncomfortable for a little while, but I know I’ll come out the other side feeling better than I did before that moment occurred. Every moment of contrast has a silver lining, a lesson, an ‘aha moment’ – it’s just a matter of what you put your focus on – how bad you feel? Or how much better you WILL feel because you’re working through your emotions and in the process, will have learned something? Some times, they are going to stare you in the face, other times, you just have to dig a little deeper.
So here’s to being our authentic selves, by embracing our dark but never allowing our flame blow out. Keep shining your bright light!
And as always,
Side Note: Thank you to http://chakracentre.org for sharing this video – timely as always!